123Imirish Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 My first fan fiction, please tell me what you think down below. Anne Marie clutched onto her teddy bear. Yelps and cries escaped the bathroom like a sword sliced through cheese. All the worse she knew who owned the screams. Grandma held her tightly. "Everyhin' gunna be all right y'hear?" A tears rushed down her face like the currents in the Ohio river, she was to petrified to answer. Her mother soon emerged, blood soaked. "Muh...mommy... Where's daddy?" "Oh, daddy just had to pick the plumbin', Hey, How 'bout we get ready for that campin' trip. huh? Bet Snuffles would enjoy that. Just make sure you bring everythin' that you want to keep, we gunna be gone a long while." Anne clutched tighter to her teddy, snuffles. Within minutes her mother had cleared the shed of everything (but five measly nails) and loaded it into the back of a large red pickup truck. Annes toys, a few dvds, Some family photos amongst other stuff was loaded in. Her mother , whilst holding a hunting rifle over her shoulder, placed her on her gran's lap and buckled them in before placing herself into the drivers seat. They hesitantly pulled out of their driveway. "Don't worry about daddy, he gunna borrow the Jenson's car." Her mother reassured her as they reached halfway up the drive. "Mommy, the Jensons look hurt, mommy... Mommy, they're you're about to hit them. Mommy No!" With a sickening cracking noise one neighbours pleas while the others moans were silenced. Anne buried her face deep into her grandma's shoulder, so she couldn't see the devastation outside their home. People drove like crazy up and down and in every direction, Anne's father's favourite Pizza place was up in flames while people inside banged on the windows trying to get out. Shrill cries weren't enough to make Anne's mother stop though, and within a minute they were on the highway. Traffic was good at first but as they approached Anne's elementary school. Anne's mother, Lilly, glanced in and gave a sigh of relief. Anne had been sick with the flu that day, if she wasn't Lilly would have had to collect her. That did't turn out well for the other parents who either were fleeing with their children or being eaten by them. Thankfully the traffic picked up so that by the time they realised Joe had used up almost all the gas doing the grocery shopping that morning, they were right outside Fossoil Gas. A short detour didn't seem like much, a que of seven cars on front them seemed to move slow but Lilly knew they would get there. Around forty minutes later a fight broke out between two car owners, the distraction let a bit of gas spill and soon the other was beating down the other guy guy with a crowbar. "Stupid Redneck!"He yelled, them man then progressed to the guys car where a child was at, but before anything could happen a woman with a shotgun appeared on the scene, shoting the guy multiple times in the stomach. She then loaded the guys car with supplies from the car with the baby and took off, leaving the child there screaming. Anne's grandmother, Jill, gave a pitiful look but nothing else. By one car later a man nailed the sign "NO more GAS" to the side of the pumps. Lilly cursed and tried to escape the clog of forty cars pulled up around the station. I SHALL AD MORE LATERAnne Marie's house: http://pzmap.crash-override.net/#0.47548245080047924,0.21487869168529242,222.45353159851305 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Nice job man! I enjoyed reading this! Keep it up buddy, Because many people probably enjoyed reading this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ac30fspad35 Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 you need more work on the spelling also the action was a little to fast and we don't even know the background of these people. a story needs to have a beginning without going into the action to fast. keep up the work though "practice makes perfect." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
123Imirish Posted May 24, 2014 Author Share Posted May 24, 2014 you need more work on the spelling also the action was a little to fast and we don't even know the background of these people. a story needs to have a beginning without going into the action to fast. keep up the work though "practice makes perfect." the spelling is supposed to be the way they speak Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slendy Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 Nice fan fiction! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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