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Revelations


AngryScotsMan

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Revelations
 
This is the first story I've had a go at. Any tips or suggestions would be much appreciated  :-D
 
Chapter 1- Second Life
 

He looked down at the fire. It flickered in the moonlight like a group of dancing demons in an ocean of red, yellow and orange. They were taunting him about his “decision”. He kept repeating it to himself in his head- it was the right decision and everything else was just fate. But the idea that it wasn’t, that it could've been different always lurked in the back of his mind. What if…What if he had chosen differently? Maybe they would still be here….

“Hey you!” exclaimed a nearby voice. He had almost forgotten about the people sitting next to him. He looked up sharply, surprised.

“Me?” he replied, pointing to himself.

“Yes you! You haven’t told you us your name and story yet” the voice growled. He had been so wound up in his thoughts that he had forgot about all the people near him He knew none of the names, but the guy who was talking to him looked like a "John" for some reason.

“John” looked like he had lived in a jungle. He had scars covering his face, or varying sizes. He had messy hair and a tidy mustache, which looked as if he worked hard to keep it that way. He guessed that “John” had a very good physique but was hard to see due to his trench coat; it was covered in dirt, blood and things he didn’t didn't want to guess about. He had a knife strapped to his belt.

“Sorry, my name is Jackson but my friends call me Jack,” replied Jack sticking out his hand. My parents named me Jackson, after their favorite celebrity Jackson Browne 23 years ago. They died just before the apocalypse. That I am grateful for, as they would never have had a chance at surviving. 

“Well then, I don’t consider you a “friend” just yet. So I’m gonna call you Jackson,” grunted “John”.
“And what’s your name, then?” asked Jack.

“It’s Gunther, and shouldn’t you be answering my questions first…Jackson?” he replied. John seemed like a better name for him, but I didn’t think he would be willing to change names for me.
“Oh, sorry…” murmured Jack.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself and answer the question!” demanded Gunther. Every pair of eyes that weren’t on Jack before were now fixed upon him. Jack felt as if he was at court.

“Um… Can I say thank you for rescuing me from those zombies back there, if you hadn’t arrived then, I would’ve been dead…” Said Jack. Gunther was about to respond, but someone else got there first.

“Don’t mention it. By the way, I’m Karen.” Answered Karen quickly. Gunther stared at Karen with anger in his eyes but decided not to pursue her interruption.

“Yes, anyway…What’s your story then Jackson? Huh?” growled Gunther.

“Well, I was born in Cleveland, Ohio on 21st August 1990. I used to live in Muldraugh as a police officer, and that’s about it. Nothing else of interest about me.”

“Hmm,” mumbled Gunther. “To me it looks like there is more to you than meets the ey-“

“AGHHHH FUCK” screamed an unknown voice in the distance.

Gunther was the first to react, jumping up quickly. 

“Shit, that must be Jacob!” exclaimed Gunther. He pointed to Karen and Jack.

“Karen and Jackson, you two come with me. Everyone else stay here!” announced Gunther. He grabbed two Glocks with suprressors attached, which he handed to Karen and Jack, and a flashlight.

“You try anything funny and I will shoot you without question,” Gunther whispered into Jacks ear. Gunther had grabbed a M4A1 Carbine, which was also fitted with a suprressor.

The three of them rushed off in the direction of Jacob's voice.

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Heya AngryScotsMan!

 

Very interesting story, I'd love to see where it's going.

 

If you want a bit of critique:

 

First of all, both the Glock and the M4A1 would actually have a suppressor, not a silencer. Rant-y boring stuff about guns:

Silencer is really a movie term and implies something impossible- that you can silence a gun. Guns make noise for two reasons- the gases exploding out of the front of a barrel (which suppressors help dissipate quietly) and the sonic boom of the bullet. Unless you've got very hard to find subsonic ammunition, your gun is still going to make a lot of sound.

 

Otherwise, everything seems very good. Your grammar could use an editor's hand, but the story does a good job conveying your point and getting feelings and intentions across. If you're interesting in specific edits, let me know and I could run over it once with you.But that's probably more critique than you were looking for! On the whole, an awesome story and I hope we get to hear more.

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Heya AngryScotsMan!

 

Very interesting story, I'd love to see where it's going.

 

If you want a bit of critique:

 

First of all, both the Glock and the M4A1 would actually have a suppressor, not a silencer. Rant-y boring stuff about guns:

Silencer is really a movie term and implies something impossible- that you can silence a gun. Guns make noise for two reasons- the gases exploding out of the front of a barrel (which suppressors help dissipate quietly) and the sonic boom of the bullet. Unless you've got very hard to find subsonic ammunition, your gun is still going to make a lot of sound.

 

Otherwise, everything seems very good. Your grammar could use an editor's hand, but the story does a good job conveying your point and getting feelings and intentions across. If you're interesting in specific edits, let me know and I could run over it once with you.But that's probably more critique than you were looking for! On the whole, an awesome story and I hope we get to hear more.

Thanks for silencer- suppressor thing and I had a feeling the grammar might be a bit down since I wrote this on Microsoft 1997. I would be also interested in specific edits, thanks  :mrgreen:

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Chapter 2- Jacob

 

Again, any tips and/or suggestions would be much appreciated. Hope you enjoy :D

 

Gunther, Karen and Jack ran towards Jacob’s voice. Gunther’s flashlight illuminated quite a fair bit of land but apart from that it was pitch black apart from the moon on the horizon, which gleamed an alloy-silver. 

“Where’s Jacob?” asked Karen desperately as she scanned the wilderness.

Karen was actually quite small for her age  (which Jack guessed to be around 25 or 30 years old). She had long brown hair, which was so dark that it could have been mistaken for jet black hair. Her T-shirt was just plain red, well, the dirt had taken its toll on her T-shirt, so it looked more like a rust colour. This was the same with her jeans, which was a blue turned Cambridge blue.

“I ain’t sure” replied Gunther as he scanned the area with his flashlight. “Jacob! Where are you?” he shouted. They heard nothing. They feared the worst.

“I’m over here” responded Jacob faintly. They all turned towards the direction of his voice, which Jack thought was roughly about 20-30 meters away. Despite the flashlights powerful beam they still couldn’t see him.

“Watch out!” exclaimed Jack as he stuck his arm in front of Gunther.

“What?!” snapped Gunther angrily.

“You were about to fall into a hole” revealed Jack. Gunther looked down, only to see a big hole, which was about 3 to 4m deep. There were a couple of bones scattered around the hole, they hoped it wasn’t what they thought it was.

“How did you see that?” asked Karen, astounded at Jack’s good observation skills.

Jack shrugged, “ Just luck… I guess”.

“Don’t you have something to say to Jack? Gunther?” said Karen staring at Gunther with those eyes that mothers give to their children when they've been naughty.

“Thanks…Jackson” Gunther muttered reluctantly.

“Err…Guys are you gonna help me or what?” whined Jacob. His voice seemed to be coming from another hole. 

Karen jogged over to the hole.

“This doesn’t change anything” snarled Gunther, just out of earshot from Karen. He went over to Karen to inspect the situation with his flashlight.

“What a dick…” muttered Jack to himself as he made his way over to Karen and Gunther. As Jack looked down, he could see Jacob lying in the hole, covering his eyes from Gunther’s bright flashlight. There was big hiking bag next to him, which was full to the brim with supplies and miscellaneous. He was wearing a camouflaged shirt and trousers with a splash of dirt here and there. There was also baseball bat next to him, which was probably his, had been modified to be a spiked baseball bat. The bat was crude but effective and covered in blood and gore.

“Jesus Jacob are you okay?” asked Karen.

“No, I’ve broke my leg I think. It hurts like hell!” groaned Jacob.

“How did you fall in that hole?” Karen questioned.

“Can you ask question later and get me out first?” Jacob sighed.

“Ok, no worries. We will get you out as soon as possible.” Karen promised. They hadn’t brought a rope, so they had to pull him out by his arm, which he wasn’t too pleased at. Jacob winced as they pulled him out bit by bit. After a good solid minute they managed to pull Jacob out of the hole. 

“Hey, who’s the new guy?” Jacob remarked.

“Lets get you back to camp first” answered Karen putting her arm around Jacob’s right side to support him where as Jack put his arm around his left side. All four of them made their way back to their camp. Maybe if they had taken a second to scan their surroundings, they would’ve probably noticed the small horde of 20-30 zombies descending upon them…

 

 

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