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Ironfist56

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Hi there. Wondering if anyone with a good understanding of writing and English could give me a bit of feedback for this first Paragraph In a novella I have started to write. If you wanna know more about what I'm writing I'm more than happy to dm you the document link so you can have a gander, if not any feedback will be much appreciated. Thanks!

 

Quote

The ship rocked ever so slightly, a calm sea for the final leg of the journey. He leaned back on the chair in his small cabin, it creaked quietly and he let out a short sigh. The journey had been long, and quite frankly very dull. A knock at the door jerked him out of his relaxed state. He sharply looked toward the door. “What?!” He hissed. “Uh, hey Mask” The door slowly started to creak open. “Can I come in?” Mask let out a heavy sigh. “Is it important?” He growled in his husky voice. “Well, 2 things really.” The man said, easing himself into the room. “First off, have you heard what's happened on the east coast of Gorlendale??” The man said with excitement. “No and I do not care. The Gorlenmen could not interest me less.” The man paused for a moment, as if to gather himself from the unexpected and aggressive response, he had learnt to not expect much else from Mask however. “Uhhhh….” He cleared his throat. “Well, second thing then. I was wondering if I could know your name...Like your real name. Mask is more than suitable nickname don’t get me wrong, but I feel if we are going to be working together at this factory, knowing your real name could be nice?” Mask let out a groan. “No, Jericho, Mask is fine” He stood from his chair and walked to the door. “Now if you don’t mind, it is late and I wish to continue to be alone.” He rested his hand on Jericho’s shoulder and directed him toward the door. “Bye” he grunted. “....Right, see you around mask” and with that, Jericho left the room. Mask pushed the door shut behind him, and approached the porthole. The sun was starting to set, tomorrow morning he would be off this boat and free to work alone with the robots and other machines. Perfect. He sat on his bed and began to adjust his mask. The mask itself was a custom design he had created himself. It was a steel, expressionless face. The eyes were made of darkened glass, with optics within to aid with fiddly jobs. The tear ducts also housed small lights to help with dark work. The mouth was the only open part of the mask, showing his lips. However a filter could be attached if dangerous gases entered the air around him. The inner padding was designed to be so incredibly comfortable the mask would never need to be taken off. With a few adjustments to the mask to enable maximum comfort, he lay his head back on the pillow, and closed his eyes.
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Well right off the bat I can see you're suffering from "wall-of-text" syndrome. You need to break up this paragraph into smaller paragraphs so that it's easier for the reader to swallow. 

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Start a new paragraph whenever a new focus is set or the dialogue switches characters.

Quote

 

The ship rocked ever so slightly, a calm sea for the final leg of the journey. He leaned back on the chair in his small cabin, it creaked quietly and he let out a short sigh. The journey had been long, and quite frankly very dull.

    A knock at the door jerked him out of his relaxed state. He sharply looked toward the door.

    “What?!” He hissed.

    “Uh, hey Mask” The door slowly started to creak open. “Can I come in?”

Mask let out a heavy sigh. “Is it important?” He growled in his husky voice.

    “Well, 2 things really.” The man said, easing himself into the room. “First off, have you heard what's happened on the east coast of Gorlendale??” The man said with excitement.

    “No and I do not care. The Gorlenmen could not interest me less.”

   The man paused for a moment, as if to gather himself from the unexpected and aggressive response, he had learnt to not expect much else from Mask however.

    “Uhhhh….” He cleared his throat. “Well, second thing then. I was wondering if I could know your name...Like your real name. Mask is more than suitable nickname don’t get me wrong, but I feel if we are going to be working together at this factory, knowing your real name could be nice?”

    Mask let out a groan. “No, Jericho, Mask is fine” He stood from his chair and walked to the door. “Now if you don’t mind, it is late and I wish to continue to be alone.” He rested his hand on Jericho’s shoulder and directed him toward the door. “Bye” he grunted.

    “....Right, see you around mask” and with that, Jericho left the room.

    Mask pushed the door shut behind him, and approached the porthole. The sun was starting to set, tomorrow morning he would be off this boat and free to work alone with the robots and other machines. Perfect. He sat on his bed and began to adjust his mask.

    The mask itself was a custom design he had created himself. It was a steel, expressionless face. The eyes were made of darkened glass, with optics within to aid with fiddly jobs. The tear ducts also housed small lights to help with dark work. The mouth was the only open part of the mask, showing his lips. However a filter could be attached if dangerous gases entered the air around him. The inner padding was designed to be so incredibly comfortable the mask would never need to be taken off. With a few adjustments to the mask to enable maximum comfort, he lay his head back on the pillow, and closed his eyes.

 

 

Also, try not to use stacked punctuation like !!, ?! and ?? the reader can figure out the intonation through context clues just fine.

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Definitely wall of text syndrome, thankfully once you know what to fix you can get over it pretty quickly.

 

As a prospective English teacher and tutor, Fuji nearly nailed it.

 

Every change in dialogue and difference in focus needs a new paragraph, and duplicate punctuation should never be used.

 

A few more things:

 

Try to keep the number of ellipses (...) down to a consistent three. Using more or less in a sentence is unprofessional, even in informal writing. 

 

When using dialogue tags that take place after the dialogue, the first letter is not capitalized unless the dialogue tag begins with a proper noun.

 

Dialogue tags should not occur more than once for the same piece of dialogue.

 

You may also want to review the purpose and usage of commas in order to prevent the accidental redundant comma.

 

Overall a very fruitful piece of writing. Just try your best to keep in mind paragraph, dialogue and comma rules. 

 

I look forward to your future work.

 

On 7/25/2017 at 9:36 PM, Ironfist56 said:

   The ship rocked ever so slightly, a calm sea for the final leg of the journey. He leaned back on the chair in his small cabin, it creaked quietly and he let out a short sigh. (awkward) The journey had been long,(omit this comma) and(comma) quite frankly(comma) very dull. A knock at the door jerked him out of his relaxed state. He sharply looked toward the door.

 

  “What?!” (stacked punctuation) He (use lower case as this is not a new sentence) hissed.

 

  “Uh, hey Mask” The door slowly started to creak open. “Can I come in?”

 

  Mask let out a heavy sigh.

 

  “Is it important?” He growled in his husky voice.

 

  “Well, 2 things(comma) really.” The man said, easing himself into the room.

 

  “First off, have you heard what's happened on the east coast of Gorlendale??”(stacked punctuation) The man said with excitement.

   

   “No(comma) and I do not care. The Gorlenmen could not interest me less.”

 

  The man paused for a moment, as if to gather himself from the unexpected and aggressive response, he had learnt to not expect much else from Mask however.(awkward writing, needs to be restructured) 

 

   “Uhhhh….(an ellipses typically uses three)He cleared his throat. “Well, second thing then. I was wondering if I could know your name...(do not rely on an ellipses to indicate pausing, a period could have sufficed) Like your real name. Mask (Reads easier with single quotes around 'Mask' as the character nickname is the topic of the sentence) is more than suitable nickname don’t get me wrong, but I feel if we are going to be working together at this factory, knowing your real name could be nice?”

 

  Mask let out a groan.(replace with comma) “No, Jericho, Mask(no mistake but single quotes could be appropriate for making this read easier) is fine(period)

 

   He stood from his chair and walked to the door. “Now if you don’t mind, it is late and I wish to continue to be alone.”

 

   He rested his hand on Jericho’s shoulder and directed him toward the door.

 

   “Bye” he grunted.

 

   “....(ellipses not needed, if hesitation must be indicated, you should use a separate sentence) Right, see you around(comma) mask(capitalize Mask as it is used as a character's name, also don't forget the period)

 

   and with that, Jericho left the room.(redundant, omit) Mask pushed the door shut behind him,(comma should not be used before and in the context of two actions) and approached the porthole. The sun was starting to set,(end of sentence, reads awkward otherwise) tomorrow(capitalize beginning of a sentence) morning he would be off this boat and free to work alone with the robots and other machines. Perfect. He sat on his bed and began to adjust his mask.

 

   The mask itself was a custom design he had created himself. It was a steel, expressionless face. The eyes were made of darkened glass, with optics within to aid with fiddly jobs. The tear ducts also housed small lights to help with dark work. The mouth was the only open part of the mask, showing his lips.(replace with a comma as this is meant to be one sentence) However a filter could be attached if dangerous gases entered the air around him. The inner padding was designed to be so incredibly comfortable (so) the mask would never need to be taken off. With a few adjustments to the mask to enable maximum comfort, he lay his head back on the pillow,(redundant comma before 'and') and closed his eyes.

 

 

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Here is how I would rewrite this. It features my corrections above. 

 

   The ship rocked ever so slightly, a calm sea for the final leg of the journey. He leaned back on the chair in his small cabin and let out a short sigh. The journey had been long and, quite franklyvery dull. A knock at the door jerked him out of his relaxed state. He sharply looked toward the door.

 

  “What?” he hissed.

 

  “Uh, hey Mask,” the door slowly started to creak open . “Can I come in?”

 

  Mask let out a heavy sigh.

 

  “Is it important?” he growled in his husky voice.

 

  “Well, 2 things, really.” The man said, easing himself into the room.

 

  “First off, have you heard what's happened on the east coast of Gorlendale?” the man asked with excitement.

   

   “No, and I do not care. The Gorlenmen could not interest me less.”

 

  The man paused for a moment, as if to gather himself from the unexpected and aggressive response. He had learned to not expect much else from Mask.

 

   “Uhhhh…” he cleared his throat. “Well, second thing then. I was wondering if I could know your name. Like, your real name. 'Mask' is more than suitable nickname, don’t get me wrong, but I feel if we are going to be working together at this factory, knowing your real name could be nice.”

 

  Mask let out a groan. “No, Jericho, 'Mask' is fine.

 

   He stood from his chair and walked to the door. “Now if you don’t mind, it is late and I wish to continue to be alone.”

 

   He rested his hand on Jericho’s shoulder and directed him toward the door.

 

   “Bye” he grunted.

 

   “Right, see you around, Mask.

 

   Jericho left the room. Mask pushed the door shut behind him and approached the porthole. The sun was starting to set. Tomorrow morning he would be off this boat and free to work alone with the robots and other machines. Perfect. He sat on his bed and began to adjust his mask.

 

   The mask itself was a custom design he had created himself. It was a steel, expressionless face. The eyes were made of darkened glass, with optics within to aid with fiddly jobs. The tear ducts also housed small lights to help with dark work. The mouth was the only open part of the mask, showing his lips, however a filter could be attached if dangerous gases entered the air around him. The inner padding was designed to be so incredibly comfortable so the mask would never need to be taken off. With a few adjustments to the mask to enable maximum comfort, he lay his head back on the pillow and closed his eyes.

 

By all means, good on you for reaching out here. It is important to get as much feedback as possible for your writing as some people may not see the same mistakes as others. My papers used to have to go through 3 friends and both GA's before I ever submitted them.

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4 hours ago, TheWraithPlayer said:

In general numbers lower than ten usually (should be?) spelled out, so instead of '2' write 'two'. Everything else I saw someone else covered.

That is the rule of thumb, however I find that sometimes you can place emphasis by spelling out, say, several hundred.

 

"The scanners registered nearly two-hundred contacts at the fringe of detectable space; the navigation officer wiped a drop of perspiration from the bridge of his nose before announcing his report. Cursing under his breath, Captain IronFist furrowed his brow in determination. He simply could not allow this alien armada to pass through the Belgia Space Docks. To allow them in would be to admit defeat in this quadrant of human-held space. He figured he could take several dozen of them out with his ship's Fengrir torpedo systems, but hundreds? He'd have to re-evaluate his game plan if he and his crew were to make it out of this mission alive..."

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 27/07/2017 at 3:26 AM, Kim Jong Un said:

Here is how I would rewrite this. It features my corrections above. 

 

   The ship rocked ever so slightly, a calm sea for the final leg of the journey. He leaned back on the chair in his small cabin and let out a short sigh. The journey had been long and, quite franklyvery dull. A knock at the door jerked him out of his relaxed state. He sharply looked toward the door.

 

  “What?” he hissed.

 

  “Uh, hey Mask,” the door slowly started to creak open . “Can I come in?”

 

  Mask let out a heavy sigh.

 

  “Is it important?” he growled in his husky voice.

 

  “Well, 2 things, really.” The man said, easing himself into the room.

 

  “First off, have you heard what's happened on the east coast of Gorlendale?” the man asked with excitement.

   

   “No, and I do not care. The Gorlenmen could not interest me less.”

 

  The man paused for a moment, as if to gather himself from the unexpected and aggressive response. He had learned to not expect much else from Mask.

 

   “Uhhhh…” he cleared his throat. “Well, second thing then. I was wondering if I could know your name. Like, your real name. 'Mask' is more than suitable nickname, don’t get me wrong, but I feel if we are going to be working together at this factory, knowing your real name could be nice.”

 

  Mask let out a groan. “No, Jericho, 'Mask' is fine.

 

   He stood from his chair and walked to the door. “Now if you don’t mind, it is late and I wish to continue to be alone.”

 

   He rested his hand on Jericho’s shoulder and directed him toward the door.

 

   “Bye” he grunted.

 

   “Right, see you around, Mask.

 

   Jericho left the room. Mask pushed the door shut behind him and approached the porthole. The sun was starting to set. Tomorrow morning he would be off this boat and free to work alone with the robots and other machines. Perfect. He sat on his bed and began to adjust his mask.

 

   The mask itself was a custom design he had created himself. It was a steel, expressionless face. The eyes were made of darkened glass, with optics within to aid with fiddly jobs. The tear ducts also housed small lights to help with dark work. The mouth was the only open part of the mask, showing his lips, however a filter could be attached if dangerous gases entered the air around him. The inner padding was designed to be so incredibly comfortable so the mask would never need to be taken off. With a few adjustments to the mask to enable maximum comfort, he lay his head back on the pillow and closed his eyes.

 

By all means, good on you for reaching out here. It is important to get as much feedback as possible for your writing as some people may not see the same mistakes as others. My papers used to have to go through 3 friends and both GA's before I ever submitted them.

 

Thats such fantastic advice, thank you. Sorry for such a late reply, been very busy with work. Always looking to improve my writing and this has helped a great deal.

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