Dealing with depression and moodswings

[Ontogenesis]

I have no idea why it came out as sokittening... But I thought I wrote 'socialising'. Kittens on ma mind

Edit: ok it appears to be a forum rule for some reason I am writing so-cial-ising

[Kirrus]

I have no idea why it came out as sokittening... But I thought I wrote 'socialising'. Kittens on ma mind

Edit: ok it appears to be a forum rule for some reason I am writing so-cial-ising

 

cialis! It's anti-spammer rule

[Multifire]

Does anyone ever feel like that? How do you cope with that sort of thing?

I have had depression and mood swings my entire life.  I literally don't remember a time where I felt alright.  Even looking back at old family videos, I was a quiet and aloof child.  I tried a LONG time to cope with the right kinds of thoughts and the right kind of attitude.  I got real tired though around 25, to the point where I didn't want to get up in the morning, but still had to to make work on time.  It got to the point where living was a chore.  FINALLY, I made the right choice and did a bunch of research on what I thought might be wrong with me, went to the doctor to have him clarify my feelings, and then he sent me to a specialist to further clarify things.  Turns out I have Bi-Polar disorder and now I am on drugs, and I am WAY happier.  So my advice is don't hesitate to seek help, and don't turn your nose up at medication, it can really turn things around.

[ethanwdp]

Before I get to my point, let me lay some info out.

 

I'm 15 years old and I've never had any problems with school work. I have level 9 misophonia, which while it does sound like a shitty D&D race, is an actual disorder which causes me to become enraged by some sounds. Level 9 misophonia is right above the "become annoyed but don't act on it" and right below "punch a puppy in the face and throw your monitor across the room."

 

In this case, it's right at the "become infuriated beyond reasonable measure, throw a huge fit while screaming, yelling, and swearing, but don't hurt anyone" range.

 

I've had this problem my entire life and I've only recently found out I've had it. I legitimately can not function in a regular school because of how noisy it is, but when it's quiet I can get miles ahead of my peers in terms of school work. This, combined with extreme anxiety issues, makes my life a living hell if I had gone to a normal school - more on that later.

 

As you can imagine, this has caused a lot of problems for me. I'm now in a grouphome and only have visits with my mother on the weekends. My father has never been around since birth so I don't know him enough to give a shit, and my mother is legitimately one of the nicest person you'll ever meet. I was raised by my great grandmother (who is still alive to this day and is one of the kindest people you'll ever meet) as my mother had to work two jobs to support me. I know for a fact that any mental disorders I have are not caused by abuse, because I've never been abused.

From age 7 and onwards my mother was dirt poor as she had a tarlov cyst that grew to several inches, unbeknownst to her at the time, that caused so much pain that she couldn't work any longer. A tarlov cyst is a cyst in the back which is rare, hard to diagnose, made of the toughest tissue in the body, is difficult to penetrate, and literally has the nerves in the back wrap around it as it grows. It is nearly impossible to remove, and there are only two options: go to Toronto (we live in Ontario) and have an experimental surgery where it is glued shut (only temporary), OR go to Texas and spend tens of thousands to get it removed by the only damn person in the world who knows how to remove it.

The ONLY person on the planet who can remove it will also refuse to operate on patients if they had the experimental treatment where it's glued shut, so it's not like my mom can get the temporary option and save up until she can get it removed.

 

Tarlov cysts are thought to be harmless, but as newer generations of doctors learn how to recognize the condition, it's discovered that many people have problematic ones and it's possible that they're common but commonly misdiagnosed. The number of those affected by the cysts grow each day as they are diagnosed.

 

 

Anyways, to recap, I'm in a grouphome, I grew up dirt poor for half of my life, and I have never been abused. I've had anger issues for all of my life and I think I'm finally starting to figure out why the hell I have anger issues in the first place.

 

 

I'm in a special ed class surrounded by people who can barely read, while I'm burning through work that are at the proper grade level (in this case, grade 10 and above). 15 to 16 year olds are sitting there trying to figure out 10 * 8 while I'm dividing 6 million by 82 without a calculator in a matter of minues.

 

Even though the class follows the exact same curriculum as regular schools, we earn less credits JUST because of the class type I'm in. Because of the over-crowded and extremely noisy regular classrooms, I am legitimately unable to go to regular school despite being otherwise perfectly able to.

 

 

I always wondered why sometimes I feel great and at other times I feel like nothing can interest me, so I finally decided to look up a bipolar self-test after reading this thread. I scored 26 (22 and above has an 80% accuracy rate)

 

I can't tell if that's because of the meds I'm on or not, but regardless, it's there.

 

 

I'm pretty insecure about myself, and while intelligence is possibly the only good thing I have going for me, it might just be the thing that put me in this mess in the first place.

 

Misophonia is linked to higher IQ. Bipolar disorder is linked to higher IQ. Extreme anxiety? Apparently that's linked to higher IQ too.

 

 

Honestly, I don't know what to do. How am I supposed to function in a workplace if I'm only productive and creative at certain hours, constantly worried, hating certain sounds, and apparently having a personality type that struggles with routine (as in, showing up at work every day)?

I'm pretty sure I'm not even that smart, either, so I don't even have that going for me.

 

 

How do I work with mental illness if it's the thing that seemingly makes me, well, me? How do I medicate or seek help if I'm the problem?

[Kirrus]

Firstly, definitely seek professional help. Doctors can help, they can refer you to psychologists, and you're not alone. Stay within the system if you can. I don't know how easy that is in your position, sorry!

 

Don't self-diagnose if you can, get professionals to do that. Some illnesses (like bipolar) can hide their effects from their sufferers quite effectively, and you don't know if you're thinking three issues is one, or one issue is three.

 

Avoid drugs/alcohol except for those prescribed for you. They might seem like an easy quick fix, but they can make things worse for you down the line. If your prescribed medication is definitely causing you trouble, talk to your doctor/psychologist about it.

 

I've a family member who is bipolar, so I kinda know what that's like. They're doing quite well, as can be, studying and working in a specialised firm relating to architecture/buildings.

 

My mother skipped meals to keep us kids fed growing up, worked shitty jobs, you're not alone experiencing poverty in a first world country.

 

You definitely can hold down a job, and it doesn't sound like you're unintelligent. As well, there is lots of things you can do that don't require set work times. You could think about starting your own business, working as self-employed; do you have anything you're good at, skills you can market? Just make sure you research fully, know what you're getting yourself in for.

 

Some employers will be flexible, though not a huge amount. Just be upfront about your problems, don't hide them and dump them on your employer down the line. Depending on your state, and at-will-employment laws, your employer has a lot of power.

[ethanwdp]

Firstly, definitely seek professional help. Doctors can help, they can refer you to psychologists, and you're not alone. Stay within the system if you can. I don't know how easy that is in your position, sorry!

 

Don't self-diagnose if you can, get professionals to do that. Some illnesses (like bipolar) can hide their effects from their sufferers quite effectively, and you don't know if you're thinking three issues is one, or one issue is three.

 

Avoid drugs/alcohol except for those prescribed for you. They might seem like an easy quick fix, but they can make things worse for you down the line. If your prescribed medication is definitely causing you trouble, talk to your doctor/psychologist about it.

 

I've a family member who is bipolar, so I kinda know what that's like. They're doing quite well, as can be, studying and working in a specialised firm relating to architecture/buildings.

 

My mother skipped meals to keep us kids fed growing up, worked shitty jobs, you're not alone experiencing poverty in a first world country.

 

You definitely can hold down a job, and it doesn't sound like you're unintelligent. As well, there is lots of things you can do that don't require set work times. You could think about starting your own business, working as self-employed; do you have anything you're good at, skills you can market? Just make sure you research fully, know what you're getting yourself in for.

 

Some employers will be flexible, though not a huge amount. Just be upfront about your problems, don't hide them and dump them on your employer down the line. Depending on your state, and at-will-employment laws, your employer has a lot of power.

I take self diagnosis with a grain of salt, and I wait until they're confirmed. I have confirmed extreme anxiety, depression, and misophonia already, so I'm waiting until I can see my psychiatrist again to confirm if I have bipolar or no. The test I took online boasts an 80% accuracy rating - I'm hoping I'm one of the 20%.

 

I hate taking medication. I only accept my doctors advice if I'm absolutely sure it'll do more good than bad.

As for drugs and alcohol, I'm a little young for that, so that's not an issue regardless.

 

 

The only marketable skills I have for me right now is my interest in computers. Whether it be building them, programming for them, or fixing them, it interests me.

Starting up a company is extremely difficult and I'd rather wait further down the line until I get more experience. Working from home in a development or software/hardware engineer job wouldn't really be possible for me, but a small computer repair service would work for me.

[Ontogenesis]

Sorry to hear you're having a shit time at the moment ethanwdp. kirrus's advice to avoid the self-diagnosis is right - assessments are quite tricky to do right for professionals as you're always holding in mind differential diagnoses/formulations. 'Symptoms' (i.e. reported feelings of distress) can be misleading because anxiety and depression are transdiagnostic; they appear in everything from depression, bipolar, schizophrenia etc Mood swings are pretty universal too. There are a lot of incorrect self-diagnoses of bipolar about (and actual diagnoses too by lazy or timid clinicians, most often mistaken for personality disorders). And trust me, you'd much prefer not to have this, it's one of the most debilitating conditions in the world (fourth I believe?) with a lifetime of being fearful of how you feel and destroying everything you build when well whenever you slip into mania/depression because you had a bad night sleep or was successful at something (a common trigger of a manic episode). Have you ever been investigated for aspergers? Sensory issues and anxiety are very common with this. At worst they might have some good advice about how to manage sensitivities to sound. There is help out there and it doesn't mean the end of life for you, these can be managed or some things overcome. You sound like you have some good capabilities and talents, as well as some people who love you. These can make all the difference. What's the care plan with the psychiatrist at the moment? Does it consider all these long term future questions you have?

[Kirrus]

Just to make it official,

Ontogenesis is a confirmed trainee psychiatrist, he's still learning, but he's very knowledgeable about mental health.

 

You can trust what he says, we'd have banned anyone pretending to be a psychiatrist by now

 

Onto, how long are you a trainee for anyway? How many more rotations do you have? </curious>

 

Edit:

Computing has a wealth of work-remotely or self-employed possibilities, depending on which speciality you wanted. Running your own computer repair shop/service would definitely be a way to go. I would recommend also checking into repairing smartphones etc.

[ethanwdp]

Sorry to hear you're having a shit time at the moment ethanwdp. kirrus's advice to avoid the self-diagnosis is right - assessments are quite tricky to do right for professionals as you're always holding in mind differential diagnoses/formulations. 'Symptoms' (i.e. reported feelings of distress) can be misleading because anxiety and depression are transdiagnostic; they appear in everything from depression, bipolar, schizophrenia etc Mood swings are pretty universal too. There are a lot of incorrect self-diagnoses of bipolar about (and actual diagnoses too by lazy or timid clinicians, most often mistaken for personality disorders). And trust me, you'd much prefer not to have this, it's one of the most debilitating conditions in the world (fourth I believe?) with a lifetime of being fearful of how you feel and destroying everything you build when well whenever you slip into mania/depression because you had a bad night sleep or was successful at something (a common trigger of a manic episode). Have you ever been investigated for aspergers? Sensory issues and anxiety are very common with this. At worst they might have some good advice about how to manage sensitivities to sound. There is help out there and it doesn't mean the end of life for you, these can be managed or some things overcome. You sound like you have some good capabilities and talents, as well as some people who love you. These can make all the difference. What's the care plan with the psychiatrist at the moment? Does it consider all these long term future questions you have?

I'm very glad I most likely don't have bipolar disorder, but it's still a slight possibility.

 

Misophonia is apparently very hard to treat. I've tried every coping measure I could find, but none work.

Some sounds trigger the anger and fight/flight reactions when being processed, and there's no way around it. I have $120 headphones with noise cancelling capability and they still barely help.

I haven't been investigated for Asperger's before but I'll definitely ask. I've taken a self test and scored 19, but it's (again) just an automatic suggestion generator and is still worth investigating for me.

 

I'm not sure of my care plan, the group home agency I'm in handles all of that stuff.

[Ontogenesis]

Just to make it official,

Ontogenesis is a confirmed trainee psychiatrist, he's still learning, but he's very knowledgeable about mental health.

 

You can trust what he says, we'd have banned anyone pretending to be a psychiatrist by now

 

Onto, how long are you a trainee for anyway? How many more rotations do you have? </curious>

 

Edit:

Computing has a wealth of work-remotely or self-employed possibilities, depending on which speciality you wanted. Running your own computer repair shop/service would definitely be a way to go. I would recommend also checking into repairing smartphones etc.

 

Trainee psychologist, rather than psychiatrist For those who don't know; psychiatrists train as medical doctors before specialising in psychiatry aka mental health, psychologists study psychology before going onto specialise in clinical psychology. They have essentially different training backgrounds and come from different assumptions about mental health problems (although in reality most level-headed psychologists and psychiatrists agree and respect each other). Psychiatrists do diagnosis, medication, legal aspects (e.g. sections/hospital admissions) and often take a lead in decision making in care (often being the de facto leaders as often other team members are nurses or similar). Psychologists do formulation, talking therapies, cognitive/psychometric assessments and support teams in different ways (e.g. reflective practice, clinical supervision) but will often also take leadership roles in one form or another.

 

I'm in my second year of doing the doctorate in clinical psychology (the only course you can do in the UK to qualify as a chartered CP). We have placements that last for 6 months and we need to meet some requirements by the end of the 3 years, such as being competent to adapt therapy/assessments for children, adults, older adults or people with learning disabilities. We also need to be proficient in two therapy models - I've chosen CBT and systemic as they fit more with a person centered approach I favour. I've done two adult placements in the first year and am currently in a child and adolescent placement. Enjoyed it all so far Can be a lot of hard work, especially with placement changes, as it feels like learning how to do a new job all from the start again, doubly so because there is a feeling of responsibility for people's treatment. Between adults and children, children are much harder work! Unlike adults most get dragged in against their will, so not many even want to be there. Adults usually except that they need to take responsibility to make changes but children aren't often at that stage in their life yet. Also, shitty parents are a constant frustration. Don't be a parent that gives their kid a child they need therapy to get over...

 

ethanwdp, a quick suggestion, you might of already looked into/tried, but in case not: if you can't prevent the fight/flight reaction coming over, you might consider how to manage it when it does - what works and why, what can you try etc. minimise damage. Relaxation techniques, distraction, crisis management type of stuff. 

[Kirrus]

I've used headspace.com, it's helped me a bit with some of my anxiety trouble.