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Last Man on Earth

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My Name is Michael Richardson, and as far as I can figure it, I'm the last man on earth. Would be nice if they (no I don't know who "they" are) had left me somebody else, but I guess that's the breaks. Former 2E USMC, if that matters anymore. Me, not They.

 

Woke up in a hospital bed last night after a coupla days in the ICU. Had to have my gall bladder removed because I'm getting too old to work right anymore. Must've woken up when the morphine drip ran out. Morphine, Morphy, Morphinium, Uncle Morph. Walked out and found some people in the hall. They answered my polite request to know what the fuck was going on by trying to eat me, so I broke their heads open on a counter. Not the best of all possible outcomes, but it's amazing what you get used to given time. That was... I don't know... three... four days ago?

 

The power went out today, so I started writing this by candlelight. Found a bunch at the Yuppie Candle Factory yesterday, and now my whole house smells like a lavender fart.

 

So zombies are real. Again, it's amazing what you get used to. I've started calling them 'The Pricks'. Had to off about three or four that came wandering about, banging on my walls day and night. They'd never have gotten through, but it was goddamn annoying. Almost got a bit of goo in my mouth as I was taking one's brain out with a fire axe. Gotta remember to be more careful in the future. You fuck up, you die. That at least ain't changed.

 

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Came up behind one of the pricks today without him noticing. Tried kicking him in the balls for yucks, and it didn't do a damn thing. He didn't even react, just came at me with his arms out like every other knucklehead I've come across. So boring, so dumb. It ain't gonna be these chumps that are the death of me, it'll be the boredom.

 

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Found a dead cop today, and he still had his sidearm. He was in a bathroom stall with most of his face gone. Caught in the end of the world with your pants around your ankles. To serve and protect, eh? Nice job fella.

Still, I got two magazines and a shit-stained 9mm. I squeezed off a few rounds just to reassure myself that I still knew how to aim. Been a long time since the Corps, and residential plumbing doesn't really keep the skillset up too well. Unloaded all but one of a mag into that cute-as-balls racoon from the burger joint down the street (sorry fella) and kept one left in the mag just in case. I ain't taking the coward's way out unless it looks like the brightest of all options, but I'm keeping it in my waistband just in case. I even walked around a bit clenching it in my ass cheeks because I thought it was funny. God, I need a hobby.

 

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Been a while since I wrote in this, been a little too busy. Couldn't stand my house anymore, too many old memories. Found a nice little office building, and after throwing all the bullshit furniture out the window (that was fucking therapeutic, let me tell you) made myself a bit of a fort. Thanks corporate america. Only a couple of windows to board up here and there, I guess lack of sunlight probably makes you focus more on the NASDAQ or something. Even made myself a girlfriend, Muppetthead Wendy. She's a shapely little seductress made out of a store mannequin and a mop for hair. Even dyed it blonde with some yellow shit I found in a bottle, though it made her smell like a craft store.

 

I figure she's my sanity checker, the day I start whacking off to her, I know I've lost it. Not like there isn't plenty of porno around. Found a huge stash in some guys house a few days back. Wish there was still power, since that tablet I've been using as a draft stopper would be great for dirty videos. Shit, just to hear a woman's voice would probably make me shoot one off in my pants.

 

Yeah... this ain't helping.

 

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Oh man. I was pushing a shopping cart around today filled with canned goods and the best thing ever happened. I hit a downslope and saw a couple of pricks milling about over the crest. So, crazy bastard that I am, I hop up on top and ride it down on my belly. Dumb prick sprints (Sprints!) out in front of me and I go ass-over-teakettle in a shower of beans and tuna. I take care of the other two with a screwdriver to the eyesocket and some well placed Adidas shots to the brain. I've found if you kinda twist up while stabbing down, the top of their skull rolls off like a sardine can.

 

Anyways, I look back and the dumbass I hit is all folded in half under my cart. The impact had snapped his spine and he was just kinda waving his arms around like one of those inflatable tube guys suburban chumheads used to put on their lawn at parties. All the while he's got a mouthful of soda can spraying everywhere and he's making this kinda wet yodeling sound. I nearly pissed myself, I was laughing so hard I almost didn't see the fourth one coming up behind me on the ground. Now I need new shoes. These ones squish when I walk.

 

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I look like Jesus now, but Muppethead Wendy still loves me anyways. Figure it fits since the dead are walking. Even started filling my empty water bottles with skunky Budweiser. I am the fucking messiah.

 

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And boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants. Untz untz untz untz.

Push me, and then just touch me, until I get my, canned tuna.

Untz untz untz untz.

Found an ipod with some charge left in it. I don't care, I love this shit.

 

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Today's Sunday, the day of rest, so I figure I can take the day off. Without anybody else to fight over it, there's enough food here to easily last me until I kick off. It's funny, I keep expecting space aliens or some shit to come down and say something like:

"Hey! You're still here? Damnit Bob, you missed one!"

But nope, just the same tedious shit, day after day. I started picking off pricks with an old hunting rifle that kinda look like my ex-wife. Lotta fat blondes here in Kentucky, so it wasn't all that hard. Funny, but I kinda hope her and Sammy are okay. Don't get me wrong, I still hope she gets ass cancer and dies, but Sammy's still too young to take care of himself.

No. nonononononononnoonono.

I ate a squirrel for lunch. They're not bad with some salt, and it makes a nice change from Campbell's Tomato Bean soup with tuna and ramen. That was a gastrointestinal adventure. "The Shitting Lawn" isn't very happy with me after that one. Even after I put up a lawn chair with a hole in the bottom to make it happy. Damn near fell through it the first time until I pegged onto the idea of putting a bucket underneath for support.

Oh! And I choked a prick to death (re-death?) on an 8x10 of the ex while grabbing my old Zippo from the house. Guess her fat ass isn't useless after all.

 

I'm tired, gonna catch a nap and I'll pick this up later.

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To be honest, Singeplayer in Project Zomboid really is Last Man on Earth :D

After they bring NPC's, I hope they can make a Last Man on Earth mode where you're all alone, the last man on earth!

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To be honest, Singeplayer in Project Zomboid really is Last Man on Earth :D

After they bring NPC's, I hope they can make a Last Man on Earth mode where you're all alone, the last man on earth!

 

Yeah, I picked up PZ pretty recently so this has kinda been my experience thus far. I hear pretty good stories about Baldspot and Kate, and love the game and what's planned, so I'll hold out for a while. See what the future brings.

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I read the title of this post and I chuckled for there is an excellent show named last man on Earth, just though i'd add that haha

The Last Man on Earth was also an old, black and white Vincent Price movie, which eventually inspired I Am Legend, as far as I know.

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I read the title of this post and I chuckled for there is an excellent show named last man on Earth, just though i'd add that haha

The Last Man on Earth was also an old, black and white Vincent Price movie, which eventually inspired I Am Legend, as far as I know.

 

 

There is a new TV series called "The Last Man on Earth" on Fox. It's a comedy starring Will Forte. He's previously best known from SNL and his character "MacGruber". I think its hilarious. I literally fell on the floor laughing at the first episode when he introduced his best friends.

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